5 Things You Need To Know About Bats Right Now

a) Unlike as often portrayed in popular medias, bats can’t really fly, but instead propel themselves from crude catapult devices, located on secret space bases near the moon.

b) It’s no coincidence “bat” backwards is “stab”. Bats are commonly regarded as the most stabby animals, and will often stab each other at bat social functions — giving rise to the popular phrase, “stabby as a batty stab-bat”.

e) Despite having no faces, bats have bravely evolved complex floppy neck extensions that fulfil the same functions and form of modern lips, ears nostrils & etc.

d) Often mistaken for delicious, egg-laying birds, chickens are in fact bats in disguise, doing their “day jobs”


Detective Mystery

Entering the sewers, I came to the startling realisation that — all this time — I’d been living atop a stinky river of shit.


Things I Hope I Never Find In My Salad Again

1/  an entire raw chicken (risk of salmonella)

2/  an old horse shoe (risk of damage to teeth; unhygienic)

3/  a meteorite (risk of cosmic radiation poisoning; also belongs in a museum or science place.


Cave Mystery

Deep inside the cave, I came to the shocking realisation I’d forgotten all of my salami sandwiches. Oh yeah — and my torch/clothes/spelunking gear. Who invented the word ‘spelunking’ anyway, I thought to myself, nakedly. Probably those crazy Ruskies, I decided–with their big fur hats and odd, salami-less open sandwiches (i.e. bread).


More Gestures Of Futile Resistance

a) Eating the parsley garnish before the rest of your meal.

b) Trying to get your friends to peel their bananas from the “other” end.

c) Buying the big box of raisins and attempting to eat them all before they get crystallised and weird.

d) Trying to feed your cat raisins.


Christmas Mystery

Some people say Christmas is their favourite time of year, but I have trouble believing that, as people tend to lie to me a lot of the time.


5 Scary Things I find Scary About Bats

1 }  Small pointy teeth

2 }  Nocturnal nature

4}   Association with vampires, Transylvania, & etc

5}   Penis out of proportion with rest of body


Secret Tricks To Impress The Ladies And Make Them Give You Affection, Money

1] Keep a hamburger in your pocket, just in case you both get lost in the woods and she gets hungry.

2] Learn to imitate the calls of various bats and waterfowl.

3] Pretend to read. [This works especially well if you use a real book as a prop. You can get free real books from a building called a “the library”. But here’s a pro-tip: don’t shower whilst pretending to read. The library makes you pay for all the real books you destroy with water — and I mean all of them!