For the past four months, I’ve been looking for part-time work, ideally as a graphic designer. To keep myself occupied in this depressing downtime before I once again being a fully productive member of society, I have been responding to precisely one metric fuck-tonne of “Key Selection Criteria”.
For those of you that haven’t had the enjoyment of looking for a job in the past decade, KSCs are the “must-have skills” potential employers lay out like a poison-laced bear trap to keep the unworthy from cluttering their MS Outlook inboxes with pathetic pleas for acceptance and attention. They’re a lovely idea in principle: often listing specific role requirements, KSCs can help you get a handle on the true nature of the job and organisation. But the problem I’ve found is that some KSC writers get a little — ah, how to put this delicately — over-enthused with their questioning.
One of the most recent KSCs I put together a reply to had the following demands, pretty much sequentially:
I must have:
1. The ability to prioritise multiple tasks and keep to schedules
2. Excellent organisational and time management skills
3. Demonstrated ability to organise a demanding workload and set priorities in accordance with the objectives of the position
I’m not sure about you, but I’d almost consider that the same question, rephrased three times, possibly to meet some arbitrary demand from HR or management. So I’ve spent the recent days thumping my head on my desk, wondering if these questions themselves form the real test, which will be, “hey pal, how much senseless busy work can you pull off without saying ‘fuck this’ and going outside to play?” And the truth is, heaps.
As a small exercise (before I get back to responding to some more KSCs) I’ve decided to put together my own KSCs, and answer them as truthfully as I can (coz yes, I lie on the other, “real” ones). Maybe this will help me see the other side of the waterfall I’m chasing, or maybe it’s just a good excuse to procrastinate before I write about how good I am at te photoshops for the 87th time…
KEY SELECTION CRITERIA
Essential skills and experience
List your favourite sort of jam.
I’m not sure it’s technically a jam, but marmalade. And if I had to pick a jam specifically, I’d say…that three berry one. Next!
Who was the best Doctor Who?
And for extra points, the worst James Bond
I’ve always had a soft spot for Tom Baker, that dude with the big scarf, curly hair and jelly babies. Probably because I was at the right age for that kind of “funny” Dr. Who at the time: eleven or twelve I’m guessing. Oh and he had K-9 as well, which is pretty cool when you’re a tween*. A robot dog, man! Hey, and do you remember that episode when the Doctor gave K-9 away to one of his assistants (who was leaving the show/TARDIS)? And it was all sad for about four minutes, but then he had another K-9 in a crate he pulled out just before the end credits? Pierce Brosnan.
Do you prefer digital watches, or those ones with hands? Why?
Hmmm, tough question. I guess the ones with hands, if I’m totally honest with myself here. I don’t know why, it’s just a feeling I get, when I look to the west, and my spirit is crying for leaving. (boy, I wish I could quote Stairway to Heaven in my real responses to these things…)
Name your three best cures for nausea.
1. a spew.
2. a big glass of water and some painkillers, and then a spew if that doesn’t help. Try not to spew up the painkillers though; and if you do, eat some new ones, not the ones you just spewed. That may make you feel like spewing again.
3. laying on my back with my feet slightly elevated, rubbing my stomach with both hands and saying “urrrgh, arrrgh, I’m never drinking again, etc.” And then a spew, and some KFC, and then another spew.
NB: isn’t “spew” an odd word, when you type it out (and read it, I assume) eight or nine times?
Do you know what this keyboard shortcut does?
(cmmd+option+L+Z; cntrl+caps lock+6+: on a PC)
Shit! I just tried that in Bean (a simple text edit application for OSX) and it actually fucking did something: a dialogue box came up, asking for a web address to connect to. Ah right, it’s insert a link, and the z doesn’t really do anything. And the other one didn’t do anything when I just tried it just now neither. Try cntrl+option+cmmd+8 though, it’s hilarious.
If you were on the run from “John Law” and needed a new name, what would you pick?
I’ve always been partial to “Teddy Ruxpin”. Yeah, so: Teddy Ruxpin. Or Big Ted, or Old Man Ruxpin, depending on how close we are.
Have you ever ridden over something you shouldn’t have on a ride-on mower?
No, but I do enjoy pushing those push-mowers over dried up dog shit, and seeing the explosion of white poo powder. And once I ran over (well, pushed over) a stick that hit my aunty in the leg.
Greatest high score in Frogger:
I haven’t kept track of my “real” high score, but I can say with some self-doubt I’ve made it up to Level 3 at least.
Rank your four favourite fictitious animals, from most-preferred to least-preferred:
3. Oscar the Grouch
If one of your friends was going to describe you as a power tool, which one would they pick?
I’d like to say jackhammer, but more realistically: hot glue gun.
Please recall your earliest recollection of using a ViewMaster™
I have quite a vivid memory of looking at a Muppets slide reel and being shocked at seeing Fozzy’s legs and feet. He looked really, really strange. I wonder how they did that? Probably just models, huh?
You have three minutes. List as many metal band names converted into pet food types as you can.
Shit, this is hard. Why did I write this one for myself? OK here goes:
Metalliver (um, this one is meant to be “Metallica”. Not a great start.)
Rage Against the Pedigree Meaty Bites
Lamb Morsels with Korn and other Misc. Vegetables
Insane Clown Pussy Treats
That was three minutes: not a great effort. Please send through any job offers you may have, I’m off to donate blood.
*not that tweens existed back then.